wordspeak.

1 Corinthians 13, True meaning of love.

2012-01-31T14:29:00.001-08:00

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

2012-01-29T12:23:00.001-08:00

The hardest thing to do, is staying strong and not showing a sign of hurt for someone you love, especially deep down when it’s killing you side. But I know love is patient and love conquers all.

“Time is the best indicator of anything in any relationship. If the feelings are genuine, they will grow without effort. Love is selfless, not selfish. Love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people ”

have faith.

Silence is speech

2012-01-03T23:38:00.000-08:00

is the most powerful scream.
its sometimes the best answer.
a source of great strength.
its one of the hardest arguments to refute.

sometimes its best just to leave everything unsaid.

unintended apologies.

Lettin' go.

2011-12-24T04:52:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of hurting.

But I would rather hurt myself, than to be hurt by someone else.

2011-12-20T04:11:00.000-08:00

I realized that no matter what decision I make, I'll never be satisfied with the outcome.

I don't think I'll be wholeheartedly happy.

2011-12-20T02:59:00.000-08:00

head-bang.

I find myself back in the same situation, just that the roles have switched. I don't understand why I'm place in this situation in the first place. Though, it is my fault for the circumstances that happened. I blame the immaturity and lack of being rational. No matter how many times I pray about this situation, I feel as if I'm doing wrong.

I just want to lock myself up in a room and just fall in a deep sleep... at least i would be at peace with myself.

... Honestly, I'm trying my best not to break down.

Deeper Hole.

2011-11-28T00:48:00.000-08:00

I constantly find myself revising the future in my weekly planner with the feelings of worried and fear, the only anxiety that surpasses for the time being, which finally, when I put down my pen, my nonsense is too overwhelming to gaze at.

On the other note, these past couple months have been one emotional roller coaster. Despite, the circumstances that had to come, there's one thing that I miss the most. my main supporter. I miss the times when I can just run to you whenever I'm feeling blue and I was able vent out all my worries to you. Now, I just feel lonely then ever, where if I even try with others... they simple won't understand what I'm going through unlike you. And today, I feel as if my past is coming back to haunt me. Something I've always feared from the beginning that led me to make irrational decisions up to now just to save the same consequences from being repeated. But I just realized, I only dug a deeper hole for myself.

dumbfounded.

2011-11-15T05:27:00.000-08:00

I am in lost of words.

I can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling at this very moment

2011-11-11T05:32:00.000-08:00

Can I be anymore of a jerk?

I hate myself. I deserved it.

absent-minded

2011-11-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

My mind is captivated with nothing else but it's own thoughts.

that's when it starts to take over &run around in circles..

2011-11-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

ah, how frightening it is to wholeheartedly confess your feelings to another
yet, you try to fight that urge of wanting a little more satisfaction from their reply.

oh the beautiful mind and its games.

2011-11-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

I woke up still to that uneasy feeling in my chest...

I don't know why it bothers me. I decided to base my actions on my feelings or just because it feels right. I have to take responsibility for the actions I took. But then why is it that I feel regretful? is it wrong that I feel ashamed?

an analytical mind.

2011-11-06T03:20:00.000-08:00

I can't help the fact that these past few hours I've been pondering, going back and forth again. The fact that I feel some sort of embarrassment or uneasiness that I've allowed myself to be a defenseless target. Better yet, I let my guard down instantly, for one to gain the capability to break me. And since that opportunity is now open, I honestly never felt so vulnerably terrified.

Title

2011-11-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

In all honestly, I feel nothing more but relieved... from all the trails and hiding I've done with my emotions. For once, I feel free... as if I can be my own with no doubts or hesitations of worrying about my actions or worrying about my opinions that will later bother another... No more irritation nor bitterness where animosity aroused, and I was only to blame. Now it's just a sense of relief.

and damn, it sure does feel good.

The chair

2011-08-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

Today I found myself sitting in a chair, feeling lonesome and utterly withdrawn to my surroundings. As I observed the chuckles and loudness around me, I realized the only affection I have is the company of the floors and walls I interact with everyday. Today wasn't the first chair either.

it's something unhealthy I've grown to cope with.

Out of the Blue.

2011-07-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

Just when things seem like everything is fine and for once things are looking up.

It strikes. It happens right there, at that very moment, taking up all your energy.

Back from Tumblr

2011-06-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

I decided to come back from Tumblr. Although I don't have anything against it and I do enjoy the interesting posts people re-blog of fashion, however, that's about it. I find myself caught up in the act of re-blogging and liking pictures I admire, yet my dashboard is constantly filled with pictures of nudity, sex, and people who just want to be "Tumblr" famous competing who "re-blogged/post" what first, who has the most likes and re-blogs. This competitiveness offers nothing but an open door of judgement rather than originality, well as what I've seen.

Funny, because I went through my drafts and found all my words, my feelings and thoughts unpublished. I guess, I feared posting these writings in the tumblr world would loose it's meaning or would be criticized for being depressing and too emotional.. Or simply just being too open about my damn life.

Answer

2011-05-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, giving up is the only thing left to do. Holding on to something is easy. You get use to it, you settle for what you don't have. But giving up? It takes courage. It takes strength to let go and move on when every piece of you doesn't want to. It takes strength to convince you mind-your heart-to leave it all behind. And it's by overcoming the will not to that you become a stronger person...

trapped.

2011-05-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

how does one escape from an unhealthy relationship when both are stubbornly and bitterly in love?

the agony of feeling trapped.

Forever 21

2011-05-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

I am officially an adult female, according to the law.

Other than that, I feel no different.

My age does not specifically tell you what I'm living for or what I've been through... My age does not tell you a thing about me except how long I've been living. Though by law, I am legally able to intake alcohol, buy packs of cigarettes and gamble while people constantly imply I initiate those actions as some sort of adulthood or freedom. Yet, I still choose not to drink, not smoke or do any sort of drugs and refuse to gamble. It's a personal choice I've considered growing up.

As my 21st year, I am blessed to still be breathing and for everything that was given to me. I'm grateful for everything that God has put me through and I'm eagerly waiting to see what He has planned for me next. have faith.

TUMBLR.

2009-07-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

the easier way to blog, i guess.
besides its time for a new chapter...

Stress.

2009-07-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

Time for finals >.< finals are raping me! study hard. work hard, play harder. makes no sense.

Weekend Recap__

depressing phone. close swine flu attack. breakdown. fail at blt. big rejection.
Great weekend.

"why don't you just man up &take initiative for once..."

Heh I tried &my efforts are pointless...

Phone call.

2009-07-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

I need to sort out my thoughts right now. This week has just been hectic. school, midterms, dance, work &more work &plus babysitting and trying to catch up on some sleep. I've been away from church for awhile so it was cool seeing people again. We had to practice since we're performing tomorrow at 11pm. Left 12am &got home 1am. Now I'm just trying to pack for tomorrow. But earlier tonight at 10pm, I got a phone call from my dad. He just got off work (unusual)... he lost his job and he wanted us to come home. His branch closed which is weird because it's the main branch in Temecula. But still, just hearing him over the phone was hard. I feel so helpless &wish for something that I could do. It's hard to see your parents so vulnerable. It's okay, I have faith in God, he has a plan for dad and for us. It just sucks because our weekend/my mom's birthday plans has failed since dad has to go to work to wrap up things. Stupid economy.

Pray. Hope. Believe.

Hiatus.

2009-07-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Spendin' my time wisely and for the worthy. Nothing wasted. Work hard Play harder. Funny, I have tumblr. I tried to sign up for one but I guess I did at the beginning of the year..I dont even remember. "what you may think is a setback, is a set up for a greater come back..."

Should be studying

2009-07-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

But I'm distracted by my all-time Favorites/Inspiration.

Conquered.

2009-06-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

Had a flashback today. It was when we were little, we use to bike around the Banaag's neighborhood trying all these tricks after BMX shows that Uncle Chester use to take us. Now just lookin' at how much we've grown up but still are very close and still have the same interest. Just trying to teach Zach how to ride WITHOUT trainingwheels is HOPELESS x[ I love those boys =) CONQUERED Hurky Creek. it was the most intense rides this summer. I'll admit it, it was the first ride that I just wanted to give up so badly and head back because my body couldn't handle it I nearly passed out. (It worried me especially what happened last fall). BUT for some reason I kept going and I kept pushing myself. It felt soooo goood to reach the top of the mountain. I'm proud of my family. Downhill is my expertise and it was most def worth the uphill. You may ride the bike but the bike doesn't ride you. It's all about the rider's performance not what he rides. Yeah, a new $2,000 bike may benefit but really now it's all on his capabilities. I made it. so what's next?

Employed

2009-06-26T01:10:00.000-07:00

findin' happiness is like findin' yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness -david leonhardt.

started first day of work. early start at 6am, long hours in the office, filing papers and more papers, walking around the whole hospital doing errands and more errands, observing and taking notes. It gets pretty tiring... But it was a good day. I went the whole 12 hours without music and stayed at peace. It felt good. Then spend the rest of the day shopping &ate out. Plus, i made $$$$$$$$$$ today. My auntie is the best! anyways, drivin' back home to murrieta tomorrow. Takin' my brother out for the day. G'night!

RIP Michael Jackson, King of Pop

Busy bee.

2009-06-24T00:08:00.001-07:00

Overall, vegas was my get away. It was nice to relax, just be w/ family, &playin' it spontaneously. Plus, this time vegas was even better than our last visit last month. Shop, eat, movies, music, photoshoot, mt. bikin', red rock, shoppin', pool, chillin', laughing &cookin'.

Monday; left vegas at 6am. Got home around 945am. Went to school by 11am. Orientations for an hour an a half. met up w/ AnVu. then home. knocked out for the rest of the day. Ate burger king for dinner, watched movies, studied for a bit. sold textbooks.

Today; woke up, watched movies, studied, went to the studio, rehearsal the whole afternoon, chilled, cooked dinner, cleaned room &unpacked.

I'll post pictures later. Gotta wake up for school tomorrow! Oh, I got a job w/ my Auntie at the hosiptal so I start thursday. Busy summer... just liked I wished.

Full-time student, Part-time job, home chief, studio rehearsals, gym, active biker. I need sleep!

"you are not capable of loving someone until and unless you love yourself"

-the secret life..

Uttermost.

2009-06-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

Bloggin' from my phone since wifi isnt free in vegas. Everyone is pretty much knocked out from today. 4am wake up, pillow fights w/ ateh cham lol, arrival @ Grand view 8am, grocery shoppin', lunch, dwntime/nap, blue diamond bikin', pool, cook/dinner, worship &shower. As of right now, i'm jammin' to my "calm" playlist &admiring the view. I've been gettin' barely 4hours of sleep lately &i start summer classes on monday. But i havent thought that far yet, future isn't in my worries. i'm just glad i'm here, at peace w/ myself, on vacation w/ the family +kuya medeon &ateh cham. Father's day for my daddy =) we (well more like i) spent MULLLA on the paps! he'll like it. i'll elucidate my thoughts later. Big day tomorrow! Happy Sabbath! G'night<3

Productive

2009-06-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad its a new week, especially since this week the whole Rama clan is going to vegas again to celebrate father's day. I'm stoked to spend time w/ my daddy &plus the cousins get their own room (we hope). Today was very busy. I had to run some errands for my parents, finacial stuff for school &for the trip. I practice piano, flute &soprano sax. Then I rode my bike to the studio. Before workshop, we had a workout session. All we did was fool around makin' fun of david! Then joey &I rode around oceanside. I got the willie down! It was cloudy; stupid weather can't make up it's damn mind! lol Last night I had my dad put up the punch bag so when I got home I did some kickboxing before we went mt. bikin'. It's a stress reliever &took it out on the punch bag! When my parents got home, we trailed santa rosa. I've been overdoin' it, so I took it easy this time. Lately I've been riding at least 20 miles a day &its killin' my bad knees. But we've been doing this for 3 months already &i'm glad my family has made this part of our daily routine. Corneilus left for the philippines already &i'm sad we barely got to hangout x[ But, we were able to catch up &talked for hours on the phone. Now, he's going to school there. its okay we promised each other to write! Have a safe flight best friend!

Charm of a Dolphin.

2009-06-10T02:42:00.000-07:00

I totally forgotten about yesterday, until my old phone went off to the alert msg reminding me about 698. one year already? Time just passed by. Funny, because over the weekend some asked me "you're still wearing that!?" Right then I realized that I still wear it everyday, naturally, barely taking notice. Why do I? Appreciation &thankfulness I guess... Another person noted how happy I seem to be. I am really? No, I'm not bitter anymore. I haven't been for months. I feel nothing but only contentment. It's sad... fading of friendship(s). But God has a purpose for all this. Maybe someday when the time is right, it'll be fixable. But right now, I'm glad things are looking up for me. All I was able to do was endure &I finally passed the phase. Because I AM a strong women. that's what the bracelet symbolizes.

Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in a while someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart.

Reminder.

2009-06-05T01:21:00.000-07:00

Ryan: "you will succeed. its the ones that set their minds on failure that do not achieve success."

: you know! im proud of you too.
: really.
: what did i do?
: stayed strong.
through the last couple of years i know its been really hard, but you stayed strong. yea you broke down a lot, but you never gave up totally. there was always something inside of you that wouldnt let you give up, and i admire that in you. also, youve been a good influence to me. yea we've done bad things but over all you helped me do good, and your my ate and i love you a lot. i miss you a lot too. it was good having someone to look up to when you were here. :] i miss you a lot!!! i really do. hahaha.
: thats what you did.

Cousinly Love. but brother to heart.
Our talks, late night snack trips. all nighters &sda moments.
Last night, it was something I needed to hear.
Lucky me, it was the boy who always looked up to me(:

Sometimes, someone else has to show you things about yourself that you too, deny. Your ability, your strength, your influence. Sometimes, you have to see things in another's perspective to see it yourself. Something like this, always gives me relief in reasons... no matter what has happened, it has all worked together for the better.

June.

2009-06-01T02:36:00.000-07:00

It's time.

New month. New goals.

New passion. New crowd.

Finally summer. Change.

Different perspective.

It'll be better this time.

For me.

Mode.

2009-05-30T02:15:00.000-07:00

Be happy. It's one way of being wise.

"The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. "
~Charles L. Morgan

Las Vegas.

2009-05-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

To start off my summer & to celebrate my birthday (which I doubted in the first place). Sabbath's performance/concert was good for our first concert, we could have played way better &we were slightly unorganized. It was a long day &everyone was sick. Walking the strip, mountain biking Blue Diamond, the heat, staying up all night, eating HELLA food, shopping, cousin chilltime, biking in our pajamas, POOT POOT, Francis hollerin' out the windows, fatburger, etc. I scratched up my right arm from mountain biking which was pretty hardcore, yet, I was one of the first ones to finish &the only girl to keep up w/ the big boys. Go team yellow (Pastor Kyle &I). Overall, the trip wasn't what I hoped it to be but I had a good time. It could have been better &certain things ruined the vibe of the whole trip, at least for me. It doesn't matter though, as along as I spent time with the family, that's all that matters.

Birthday.

2009-05-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

I would have forgotten about my birthday if ppl didn't greet me.
I woke up to a 7am phone call from my two most favorite people, my cousin &minime. They always seem to put a smile on my face no matter what. We've been through a lot together &I am blessed to have them both in my life. Overall, my birthday has been okay. Finals tomorrow, so I've been tryna study but distracted from phone calls, tweets, texts. It amuses me how ppl I haven't talked to in so long remember my birthday, or maybe its just from the reminders on facebook/myspace. LOL There are others that disappointed me. I guess I expected too much today. But it's okay. To everyone who greeted me, Thank You! I really appreciate it, but I'm not gonna lie to those who hoped that I have a great one.

My birthday sucked. It may not be the worst but it wasn't the best either. Ironic, I was so hyped too! I wanted this day to be better than my 18th. I was so wrong. I balled my eyes out. Who in the hell cries on their f'cking birthday?! No one knew, because I spent most of my day by myself. My parent's aren't talking to each other. So dinner wasn't that great even though we ate at Hana Sushi. Mango tango for dessert. watched One tree hill Finale. now studying for my effin' finals. Less than an hour left til my day's over. I dont want to keep my hopes up but in the back of my head I hope something good will come out of this hour, for the sake of my birthday. I doubt it though.

2009-05-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday.
I'm 19 now. But why am I not happy? Shouldn't I be?
It's my day, I should be enjoying today. Yet, I broke down many times
this past hour. I told myself not to give in, not today. Geeze, It's my birthday!

*Happy Birthday to my buddies
Jordyn, Melanie, Azia, Anthony &Young!
Have a great one you guys! Better than mine, I hope.

=)

2009-05-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Explains it all. Just as I expected this month to be, BUSY &POSTIVE! School, music, dance, fashion and family time. And of course with Meeee; I'm improving myself; physically, emotionally and mentally. Things have been fulfilled all around. I've accomplished a lot doing my own thing. It all feels good! There are minor complications. For most, I'm just letting it be and leaving it to God. Others, I've managed to separate myself from the situations by doing what's best for me and just look past it. No need to waste my time on the unnecessary. I slip here and there but Hey! No one's perfect. I know I can get back on my feet. Overall, life is good. Lookin' forward to the future. Last summer was great but this years is going to be hype. I can feel it. I'm stoked!

Upcoming;
514 - Last day of School.
515 - Concert @ FilAm Vespers
516 - Sabbath/Matthew's Birthday, Mt. Bikin'
517 - Pathfinder Fair/Traci's Birthday
518 - My Birthday
519 - Finals
520 - Summer Begins
522-25 - Las Vegas w/ FilAm.

Here's a video from Volume3, it was dope!
check out more at goshNICOLE

Andrew Garcia and Lydia Paek<3
btw, i like their "superhuman" cover at 2:45.

Letters. Past &Future

2009-05-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Past,
It's been awhile since we last spoke, but why the selfish ways?
The more I've grown to know you, the more distant I became.
I care for you, always will, but it's not like you, so why the selfish ways?
I know people change for the better, but what did you grow to become?
See, "TRYING" with you is like running on a treadmill tryna get somewhere, but when you see me accelerate, you start to pick up speed.
I did the best I could, but why the selfish ways though?! No don't answer, I'm just here to Thank You. Seriously, Real Talk, hands down, eye for an eyes type of thing. Thanks for keeping me company &helping me grow, but I think it's best if we move on &just be content with our past, knowing we didn't regret any moment of it. The memories we created to the laughs we shared, shaped me into the person I am today, and today is the first day I take that step into the future.

I thank my God every time I remember you. -Philippians 1:3

Goodbye Past.

Hello Future,
Oh, you have downed me but it's okay.
Love did come around and F'sure knocked me down.
I did my share of tears &falls. No more Past hangovers.
I don't want to make the same mistakes I did.
The scars represent my battles, my strength. I bruise. I heal.
FINALLY, Said &done. I'm over it.

Its May. This will be My Month. Refresh. Enjoy this day.
The start of something new, something different.
I got an open mind, a full tank, & a blank page. Lets write our story.
Just have faith, trust God, and keep moving forward.
Because it's mine; Happiness belongs to me now =)

Peaaceout, RisaMarie.

Blunders.

2009-04-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.
-He's Just Not That Into You

Thoughts.

2009-04-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

A couple thoughts worth thinking.

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit,
and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again.
~Rosa Parks

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over,
the wound is closed and healed, done with. ~Harry Crews

Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces patience. An patience produces character, and character produces hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ~Romans 5:3-5

I fear not to worry, I knew ti's day would come. I knew I had to test my strength. After many failed attempts, I won my first battle of healing. It was better than I expected. It's just a scar now. Remember to self, I am content. I am humble. I am not perfect nor regretful. I am bruised but not broken.

Happy 16th Birthday MiniONE; ily =)

Humid heat.

2009-04-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

...the most important relationship you have in your life is a relationship with yourself. Because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself " -DVF

Lately, I have just been doing my own thing, taking it day by day, care free. I found a new love in books. "Isn't reading so much better than having a boyfriend?" - Uncle Chester. hahaha Actually, I have to agree; it really is. since..
I'm in love with Edward Cullen<3 HAHAHAHA

The weekend was been very busy, driving down to SD, back and forth. Church was relaxing., wasn't fond of most things but i spent it w/ my favorite girls =) Sunday, wasn't my day. I washed my car finally, showered and got ready, left 2:45pm. Filled up the tank, traffic was a bitch, tiny accident >.<, arrived at Kris's house late around 4:30pm. the drive should have been only 30 mins, so I should have been there around 3:30pm. He was mad. Went to go pick up his friend. Arrived for Fusion @ UCSD, waited in a long ass line. the show was dope &kinda died after intermisson. Kris wanted to leave early since he had class the next day. Drive to oceanside was boring, picked up my car &drove home. 76 was closed so i had to take the long way. Got home around 11:45pm. Ate &knocked out. Yeaah, i just wasn't feelin' the atmosphere that day :/ but Choreo Cookies won, YAAAY Robbie! lol

Gone &Growing.

2009-04-15T01:12:00.000-07:00

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do so, is a lesson I recently learned. Moving on has allowed me to know who I am and to be present in all that I do. I may slip from time to time, it happens. It's life. There is hope. Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and press on. Grow from it. no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. And we cannot destroy the past. For it is gone.

Forgive and let it go.

2009-04-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

..from Mahatma Gandhi.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

..you always choose how to react to something. When you can incorporate such a thought habit more and more into your life then you can react in a way that is more useful to you and others. You realize that forgiving and letting go of the past will do you and the people in your world a great service. And spending your time in some negative memory won’t help you after you have learned the lessons you can learn from that experience. You’ll probably just cause yourself more suffering and paralyze yourself from taking action in this present moment. If you don’t forgive then you let the past and another person to control how you feel.By forgiving you release yourself from those bonds. And then you can focus totally on, for instance, the next point.

Very wellsaid.

Taking it's time.

2009-03-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Today, a friend told me...

"We don't stop loving someone,
we simply learn to live without them."

It's true yet seems impossible.
Time sure is taking it's time with me. I'm still trying to understanding a lot of things own my own. And accept them for what they truly are rather than dwelling or doubting what they should be. I've been trying so hard to get my life together but coming to the conclusion that I'm torn between decisions; what's needed, what's best and what's reality. Sigh. I try not to show that I'm struggling ever. And I think that's why a lot of people think I've got it down. Someone told me it's a talent. Every happening is a lesson learned. It tells you a lot about that person and how he/she handles life's challenges. Not only how strong they become but how valuable the lesson learned, which can rub off on those around them. As ironic as it seems, it surely is a talent but I'm doubt I got it down already. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned time is precious, it'll take it's time but its worth it. I've learned that I'm still learning. More importantly, I'm keeping my head up and putting it all in God's hands.

Spring Break. New song. New chapter. New smile. New Me.
There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.

Absence is to love, while the wind is to fire.
when it's a small fire, the wind kills it.
when it's a real fire, the wind will intensify it.
so that absence should do exactly that -DVF

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.
Right now.

Over and over.

2009-03-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

I fool myself into being careless yet, I hate how I'm so caring and forgiving. Something always... I mean ALWAYS brings me back. From the tiniest things that I come across to the songs I listen to. Fool me, I'm better than this!!

Then it got me thinking about how most people are afraid that if they back off a little that the object of their affection will move on and eventually forget about them. But, ironically, the real reason is that they, themselves, are afraid that if they back off that THEY will forget about the object of their affection and move on, and this they don't want to do.

It ALWAYS gets me thinking every single day. I swore to myself it wouldn't happen again. I vowed to myself that this was the end. The end of this longing, this yearning so strong... I said I was over it, but I ask myself, "how do I know I'm over this???" How can people come and go just like that. How people who meant so much to you and cared deeply about walk in your life and one day decides to walk right on out and completely forget or act careless like nothing ever happened. How can this be? Why? Anyone???

It amazes me.

Fascinating.

2009-03-09T02:07:00.000-07:00

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them. It's sad how times can change."

Just awhile ago, I took out my SDA 2008 yearbook. A promise I made to myself that I wouldn't open and read it until five years from now or more. But since this weekend was Alumni Weekend, I guess its an exception. It's nice to reminisce too. Yet, I tend to do that more than I should. It fascinates me still, how everything has changed. It has almost been a year, and I'm almost done with my first year of college. All these memories come flashing back and it just amazes me. How those memories will always have a places in your heart.

Sometimes... Somethings are better left unsaid. Somethings are better left in the past. Somethings are better.... just left alone.

2:25am

2009-03-07T02:47:00.000-08:00

It's 2:25am and Im finally in bed after cleaning my room. Today, I decided to continue one of my passions, that is, making clothes and embellishing them. It's been awhile. Inspired by Urban Outfitters, I made 3 tanks with varies braided racerbacks, a draping cardigan and a flowered shrug. It felt real good with the finishing pieces and with the help of my dad's knot tying techniques, everything looks great! soo vintage! haha Yeah, I guess I lost touch and gave up on this hobby for a bit after the nonsupportment in the past. But after today, there was support, for once. Fashion is, always has been, always will be, my only love. hehe G'night. gotta wake up at 7am. Alumni Weekend.

Flying Solo

2009-02-25T00:42:00.000-08:00

You can erase someone from your mind.
Getting them out of your heart is another story.

No, I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that it was real. Time has really changed everything between us, and I'm accepting reality and the truth. I realized things aren't the same as they use to be. Maybe... if in some distant place in the future we'll see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember everything we've been through, all the memories we had.. I will always cherish them and they can never be replaced. The lessons you taught me and the support you've given me, I appreciate it and so much more. There's nothing else to say.. I wish the best for you. ily. stay humble...

A Beautiful Mess

2009-02-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, he’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Lately, i've been doing my own thing, going day by day living my life careless as possible. I'm not sure if thats the way to go but it eases the pain. Life is a learning experience. That's how we become who we are. Because through those experiences in life we grow with wisdom and gain knowledge of life, God allows these things like all trials to make us stronger.
Spinnin': Jason Mraz.

Sacrifice

2009-02-14T22:44:00.001-08:00

3 months ago, Exactly. And today is Valentine’s Day.

It has been said, “Love that remains longest in your heart is the one that is not returned.” There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone walk away after they have left you. It's always the same in every relationship, there is always one person crying and wishing to get back together, while the other doesn't even remember the things they've been through. I hate that I have to be the one who remembers every single detail while he can't seem to remember. You’ve forgotten.

A friend asked me, "Why won't you allow yourself to be vulnerable sometimes." If you keep on having no feelings, no opinion, you'll never know what it’s like to fall in love. No risks, no rewards. No progression. -I know I held back a lot then. I could have salvaged it. I could have fixed it. And now I’m holding back even more for his sake. I cut off all barriers of communication for my own sake, because it kills me inside. Yet, I'm still left with unforgettable memories.

These 3 months, I came to many realizations. Things have changed. Time really changes a person, a life. I guess, You were right all along. There was nothing I could have done to salvage it… to save us. We weren’t compatible. Because towards the end, one gave up and it became one-sided. Who is stronger… the person that ended a relationship because they were hurt and gave up then forcefully moved on or the person that salvages a relationship by telling the truth of how they felt of how they want things to work because they are really convinced they are good for each other?

I’ve learned that “Time is the best indicator of anything in a relationship. If the feelings are genuine, they will grow without effort. Love will always adapt and adjust to the needs and desires of other people.” That Love is unconditional and indescribable. It does not specifically have one definition but has countless well-defined meanings. Love is not just an ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude. Love is not wanting someone; it's wanting what is best for them, for their happiness.

Love is all about sacrifice.
Sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of your love.
Even if it hurts you.

Happy Valentines Day<3

& I learn to just keep smiling(:

2009-02-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

I haven’t blogged in awhile and it’s already the second month of the New Year. What can I say… about the last three months? Or even the past year? So much as happened, the changes came so fast that I feel like I’m falling behind. I just want to stop time so I can catch up with the present, with life. Reading over my last blogs and reminiscing about last year, senior year, graduation, summer, and college… it all amuses me. The end of last semester was appalling. Struggles with my family, friends, my (ex) boyfriend, myself, including my spiritual relationship with God. For once I manage to stay focus on school but it didn't last and finals were just killing me. Mentally I couldn’t hold myself together. Emotionally wrecked and stressed out. Taking up all my energy, it was just too exhausting for my body which led to poor conditions. I’m fine now. I always catch myself pondering on how life passes by so quickly. About how we all desire happiness or to keep that happiness. How much you and others around you change each day, for better or for worst. Loosing or gaining something or even someone in return. Life has so much to offer yet is so mysterious... I love it but hate it too. I’ve been keeping myself occupied with grip loads of things, trying to not think so much; since I have this mentality, where I think beyond words . Mind-blowin'. Starting to pick up on my old hobbies and since school started… studying my ass off. Things haven’t been easy lately. It’s like a roller coaster… going through ups and downs, waiting… impatiently… frighten for that one BIG steep drop. There’s never really a moment where things were just riding up or staying constantly up. But for some reason I’m still able to set the struggles aside, put a smile on my face and keep going through my day. Fooling those around me. Loosing those around me. Accepting those around me. And for those you stay around me, are working keeping.

God Will Never Give Us More Than We Can Handle.

Well said and one of my favorites. Yet, I’m still trying to understand. God has just been pounding tons and tons of weight on me these last two years. I feel like I can’t handle the burden any longer. My life is tough right now but at the start of this year, I decided to change myself for the better. I’m taking a different approach. Things are slowly getting better and I accepted it’s going to take time. I’m learning to accept the past, deal with the present and look forward to the future. Everything does happen for a reason whether we understand or not. People do change so that you can learn to let go. Things do go wrong so that you’ll appreciate them when they're right. Sometimes good things do fall apart so better things can fall together. There is more to life than you think... and you never know what will happen.
I still hope. I dream. I believe. I Pray.

Refresh.

2009-01-01T11:27:00.001-08:00

before the present to the past is lost and all is left is a faint memory...

Believe. Hope. Pray.

2008-11-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today, i added another class. I'm taking about 6 classes next semester, gotta keep myself occupied and hopefully things will get better. I borrowed my classmate's Philosophy book and started to read for upcoming class. Philosophy notes:

SELF KNOWLEDGE
"We put high value on things that isn't essence to our lives. Do we know our true motivations? When we reel out our delusion of this perfect person, we typically seldom. What are the real lists to your life? Is this something you want? Relationships with other people. Individual to a partner. Why don't we have satisfactions with others? Because we are dissatisfied with our selves. We build a shield with ourselves and what we can experience. We develop a false self image for acceptance by others. We have a false image of ourselves and reality. We forget that we are dependent on people. Non-duality. At a deep level, we are one with the universe."
I thought this was pretty interesting.

Anyways, the past few days have been getting better. At least better than Monday. Terrible day, I was in need of like 50 tissue boxes. Never have I continuously broke down the whole day. I basically cried my heart out. After, I've been trying to keep my mind of certain things and keep myself occupied. I went to Reference after class, to see if they have my dress for Thanksgiving Banquet and for the Gala. My eyes started to get watery. But as soon as I got home, I ran to my bed and cried my eyes out. I thought no more tears, I prayed so many times for no more tears, no more crying myself to sleep and I was doing so well. Yet, I don't know what happened today. I don't want to hurt anymore and I keep praying for the pain to go away. I felt this before but for some reason the pain is even stronger than i ever felt. Day by day I loose of piece of something precious to me, and it hurts. But recently it was more than precious. I had no idea how much it would affect me; I guess I'm head over heels for... What am I suppose to do now. How can I let go when my heart is telling me to hold on? I fell hard and if I were to let go now... I will always wonder what if what could have been, doubts. I believe in my heart and no it's not just "the now feeling." I've been heartbroken before and I know when to let go... but my heart is telling me something different but now I'm scared to follow. My Lolo use to tell me to always listen to your heart because even though it's on the left, you're heart is always right. Despite the feelings of giving up and when your efforts have gone, pray asking God. I feel ashamed because I given up on prayer so many times and everything just comes crashing down. And when that happens I start praying, yet, I feel like I take God for granted when I'm troublesome. But talking with Ray and close friends, I asked them to pray for me. As well for myself, I've been, since Monday, I pray every chance I get. And now I just have to keep my distance and keep praying. Now wait patiently...

Believe. Hope. Pray.

My Answer

2008-11-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

It’s been months since I last blogged. So much has happened I just can't seem to express the words. I held on to the negativity and refused to cope with the positive that was right in front of me. I was feeling afraid and tried to keep myself from hurting again. Yet, once again I made a mistake. I made the same mistake twice. It’s true… "You never know what you have until it’s gone." All I have is regrets and doubts in me. Progression failed because I let it slip with my effortless self distribution into our relationship. I bottled everything in and tried to appear strong yet I was ignorant. If only I didn't hold back so much, and realized what was in front of me. I failed to be myself, to improve myself, to believe in myself. It hurts when the realization what's said and done, turns to it's time to let go. And knowing that you could have done so much more and you're still willing to try. I was too focused making everyone happy and was blinded by what truly makes me happy.
I failed myself. I failed him. I failed our relationship.

The potential I see, now I can't have... it's too late now.

starting fresh.

2008-08-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

I decided to start one of these because I always thought that writing was a coping thing. At times I use Word as a journal writing whatever comes to mind. And I took pieces from those writings and added some into this blog. And today, i just got that urge feeling. The feeling I get every time I either click open a pen or click a few keys on a keyboard would help me get whatever was left of my thoughts in my head on to this cyberweb notepad blogger.

Alright so today, I found one of my old journals I use to write in. I never wrote everyday. Just when I felt like pouring out my thoughts whenever and wherever. I was at that stage where I basically wrote about my past relationships and stuff. Its quite interesting reading past entries. Writing is a beautiful thing where not only noticing the flaws of your penmanship and editing your grammar and punctuations; you realize the person you were (or are). How much you did or did not mature. Bringing that piece of memory back to life, captivating the emotions of every single word written. Beautiful isn't it? I think it is :)

"To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about, but the inner music that words make." Truman Capote

Well the last entry was from last summer, just when things had hit rock bottom for me. My parents had moved me back to San Diego with my cousins. Mommy and Daddy always fighting. Uncle Benn was always away on work trips, that left Auntie Ivy and Zachary heartbroken. Grandpa became very ill and had frequent seizures. Our whole family was struggling to keep everyone together. And as for me, the oldest child, the only girl, being the disgrace of the entire family (or the "ignominy" as they called it), was just a disappointment.

It's all in the past now; the past that has sculpted me into the person that I am today. These last two years, I've experienced a variety of different road bumps and memorable lifetime moments I will never forget. I've taken hard ways out of situations now knowing how to deal with them at present. Everyone including my family and my friends, have moved on to better things. And just realizing the impact of my experience. How it changed my whole family; the broken bonds between all three families, once after my mistakes, were linked as one big family where it has brought us together and closer ever than before. I guess we've gained once we've past what we've lost.

Just thinking back (I know I shouldn't ) but... it has left a scar. That has now... finally healed. My low points of my life have worn me out. But to look at it optimistically, it has bettered me and strengthens me to become the person I am today. I accuse myself of being the creator of all my wishful and distrustful thinking. But that has got me to carry my own weight, like a real woman. I don't set traps for myself and my contemplations are all I got to make the right move. A thousand things go through my head, especially at night and it never leaves my mind. I find so much comfort in people its refreshing. I've learned to contain myself and keep myself sane on my own. It may not be the healthiest mechanism, but what doesn't break me, can only make me stronger.

Its the end of summer and its been a years worth of momentary feelings and changes of rushed growing. And it's starting to finally hit me now, college life begins next week. New people. New environment. New struggles. New experiences. New adventures. A new life. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. So its time to start fresh. The beginning of a new chapter in my book. And I'm where I want to be.